Queen-Sized Kamesa

OK, I have to admit that I haven’t been the best about being healthy. I eat junky things. I looove honey buns, Doritos, and ice cream. I really don’t exercise. I hate non-sex related sweating and I don’t have the time, patience, or money to keep running to the beauty salon when I do sweat. Of course walking around the complex is free but do I really want to spend my walking time dodging dog poop bombs or sidestepping trash left by my trifling neighbors when I could be enjoying my broke-pod?

On a recent visit to the doctor for a physical, she kindly informs me that I am obese and hypertensive. I am 5’1″ and 260 pounds. My blood pressure is horrible. She puts me on medication and proceeds to tell me that I must join Weight Watchers and exercise.

Weight Watchers? Exercise? I have heard of these things but didn’t think they were real.  “But I want Lap-Band surgery!” I whine.

“No,” says my MD. “Join Weight Watchers, take your meds,  exercise and MAYBE we’ll see about Lap-Band for you in a year.” She kinda consoles me by telling me that I don’t really look like I weigh 260.

That much is true because I really don’t look like a fatty.

I mean, fat is not oozing out of every orifice in my body. I carry most of my fat in my belly (where the Big Phony Baby and the Teenager once resided) and even then it does not look that bad. I guess it’s because I don’t try to wear form-fitting clothes and regularly employ the use of a girdle when the need arises.

Also, in the African-American community, I’m not really considered obese or even fat. I’m thick. I’m phat. On a good day when my hair’s done and I’m looking cute, I get propositioned by black and white men. Know what’s weird? When I used to weigh 1/2 of my current weight back in high school, I couldn’t buy attention from guys. Maybe it was the Urkel glasses and the holy roller parents. Hmm.   But I digress.

Another thing that really bothers me is how these celebs of other persuasions stress about their weight soooo much. Let’s take Jessica Simpson. Recently she was caught wearing mom jeans.  To me, wearing mom jeans is bad when you are NOT a mom! But to everyone else she might as well be shopping at Ashley Stewart!  I could care less that she’s a little plumper than usual. Apparently she cared because the next time we saw her she was skinny. I mean, if you like to eat, EAT dammit! Isn’t Jessica from Texas, where like everyone eats everything slathered in barbecue sauce or fried within an inch of its life?

But the ugly truth still remains: I am obese. I have high blood pressure. And if I’m not careful and make changes now, I could develop diabetes or worse.

Obesity is a big (no pun intended) problem in the US. Coincidentally, the diet industry is a big money maker in this country. There’s pretty much a diet for everyone: Slim-Fast, Slimquick, Atkins, South Beach, Hydroxycut, the one where you drink smoothies, the other one where you eat cookies, Subway, and the list goes on and on. So with all of these diets, why are we still a country of fat asses?

We’re lazy. Healthy weight loss requires patience, exercise, and eating less food. The reason why diet makers make so much cash is that we’d rather spend googobs of money to drop 100 pounds for our class reunion in 2 months by drinking a concoction of water, cayenne pepper sauce, and lemon juice  rather than make small changes and lose maybe 20 pounds in that same amount of time.

We’re cheap. We all know that the economy is in the toilet right now. But who hasn’t laid off people yet besides Wal-Mart? McDonald’s! Their business is better than ever! Why? $1 double cheeseburgers! Hell, their whole dollar deal menu is their best seller! It appears cheaper to buy junky things than more healthful ones. Case in point: our recent grocery trip. We bought lots of fruits, veggies, and whole grain items. Our bill was over $200. Had we purchased our usual high fat, high sodium fare the bill would have been about $80-$90.

Fat is more acceptable in society now. Well not quite but we’re getting there. If you are plus sized there are whole stores for us now like Avenue (my fav!), Ashley Stewart, Catherine’s, and Lane Bryant. They don’t sell tents at those places!  I don’t know any big men’s stores but I’ll have to ask my Simpsons buddy Charlie or my brother-in-law Brian who are both good looking big guys where the big gentlemen shop.

Our portions are out of control. There’s the Big Gulp which is practically a gallon of soda. Honey buns are as big as tires now, and so are bagels and muffins. Don’t get me started about burgers and fries. Until a few days ago, I didn’t know that a cup of food was so much!

Even with all of those things, the ugly truth still remains: I am obese. I have high blood pressure. And if I’m not careful and make changes now, I could develop diabetes or worse.

Which means it’s time for me to take my fat butt down to Weight Watchers.