If you are a member of a greek organization like I am (a PROUD soror of the BEST sorority in the world: Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Incorporated!!) then you might be aware of greekchat.com. I’m best known for my stories about the Hand Me Down Cadillac and my fanatical love for Dennis Haysbert. Occasionally in the Open Letter thread I would write letters to Dennis usually dispensing praise and career advice. I’ve decided to continue that tradition here. So here we go:
Dear Dennis,
Last night (or rather this morning) at work, my coworker and I had the immense pleasure of watching you in Absolute Power on TNT. I have this movie (and plenty more starring you or just simply you playing some minor role) at home and I watch it when I start to miss you because The Unit didn’t come on or I didn’t get to see you in an Allstate commercial. There’s a few things I’d like to discuss with you about your role in this Clint Eastwood vehicle:
- OK, the scene where you and Secret Service agent #2 were supposed to shoot Clint Eastwood. I totally understand that the sun got in that other agent’s eyes and he missed but you SHOULD NOT have missed him. I thought you guys were supposed to be really good killers.
- Later in the movie, you ram Clint’s daughter off the cliff. She was stupid for not getting out of the car and running but I expect stupidness from her because most damsels in distress are not thinking with a full deck anyway. But why did you try to kill her in BROAD DAYLIGHT in full view of a skrillion people, any of whom could have called the cops! I thought you Secret Service types were about killing people all sneaky and stuff. Running somebody off the cliff in the middle of the day in a big old SUV is not sneaky!
- It’s really sad that this is my favorite part of the movie: toward the end when Clint’s daughter is in the hospital, you disguise yourself as a doctor and try to kill her by injecting her with poison. First of all, you were not a very convincing doctor. You have better disguises on The Unit. Secondly, you tried to inject the poison into her wrist! That would have left needle marks! Did you not see the many, many IV’s that she had? You could have simply put the poison in the IV and boom! Dead lady. Your ineptitude allowed Clint to catch you and kill you with the same poison. I did like how you asked him for mercy and he told you that he was fresh out before he jabbed you in the jugular. I use that line quite frequently in my everyday life, particularly when I tell people that I’m fresh out of I Give A Damn.
Dennis, you know I love you and I do not mean to hurt your feelings by pointing out your shortcomings in your roles. I understand that you only had the script you were given to work with and if given a chance, you would have done things differently. In Far From Heaven, I would have jumped on the train to go to Baltimore with you and help you run your flower shop. Julianne Moore was stupid to turn you down.
I’m very sleepy now so I’m winding this letter up. I’m gonna watch this week’s episode of The Unit on Fancast when I wake up. I tried to watch it last night but the TV at work had really crappy reception when it came to CBS. I will talk to you later.
Signed,
Your Biggest Fan Ever
